New Year's resolutions? What resolutions?

Many people make resolutions this time of the year. I am making resolutions as well:
1) I will drink more beer. I want to have a bigger beer gut. Hey, at least I'm striving for something which is more than I can say for some of you out there.
2) I will turn my swearing up a notch. Swearing like a sailor with a beer gut is the sexiest thing on a gal.
3) I will sit on my ass in front of the TV every night watching reality shows and painfully tasteless sitcoms. Of course, this will be done while drinking a beer and screaming obscenities at the TV.
4) I will discontinue my gym membership at Spectrum which will save me hundreds of dollars so I am being fiscally responsible. It will also give me more time to sit in front of the TV, drink beer, and scream obscenities.
5) I will be the most self-serving person that I know. I am going to do what I want to do without taking into consideration how it may affect others. If I want that candy from the baby, I'm going to do it! Then, I can eat that candy, while watching TV, drinking beer, and swearing.
6) I will be a lazy bum at work and surf the Internet even more on my company time. I am going to work even less hours so that I can prove how ineffective of an employee I am!
7) I will start doing drugs of every kind! It doesn't matter what it is - illegal, prescription, or over the counter. Although, I must say that I am really striving to become a crack addict.
8) I will start smoking so that I can get lung cancer and emphysema. I want to have that sexy, low smoker's voice too. Hey, that voice will go great with the beer gut, the crack addiction, the swearing, and the flabby body that I'm hoping to achieve this year.
9) I will be so pathetic that I won't even come up with the complete top 10 resolutions for myself in 2005!