Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!!!!

When did Christmas become an offensive word? Apparently, in this hyper-sensitive age in which we live, even saying "Merry Christmas" is considered offensive by some. Wow, oh wow.....what sort of a monster have we created with this whole "politically correct" nonsense??

Who cares if you don't celebrate Xmas? I might call you a terrorist, but that's beside the point. I mean, really, is it a personal attack? "Hey, Bob! Merry Christmas!" I don't know about you, but it sounds more like a happy greeting than something offensive.

Well, hey, if you want to stew in your corner and be miserable, do it yourself. Please don't spread your disease to the rest of society. As for me, I'm going to bask in the love of my family and friends, eat good food, relax, enjoy my day off, give and get presents, and celebrate the birth of Christ!

Happy Kwanzaa! Whoops....I mean Happy Hannukah! I mean Merry Christmas!

Elevator or stairs?

Elevators are a great invention. They allow us to move quickly from the first floor to the 20th floor or however high in the sky you would like to be. Can you imagine having to walk up 20-30 flights of stairs everyday? We would all have great butts and quads, but I digress....

The other day, I decided to take the elevator to the 6th floor where I work. A lady got into the elevator with me and then she pressed the "2" button. Isn't that the next floor up? Excuse my ignorance, but the last time I checked, there was a set of stairs to the 2nd floor. Not only that, but she didn't have a limp or any problems walking. As far as I could tell, she had a set of perfectly capable legs and feet that would have carried her up a flight of stairs.

Now, I know that in some buildings, there are no stairs that are accessible by the regular public, but my building has a large, open stairway that sweeps down into our lobby. It's large and inviting! It screams to be used! Why those on the 2nd floor do not take advantage of this is a mystery to me. It takes much longer to wait for the elevator than it does to walk up the flight of stairs. Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Perhaps these people have a fear of stairs - bathmophobia. Perhaps they have ambulophobia - a fear of walking. I really should be more sensitive to people and their logical fears. After all, I am a bananaphobic, verbophobic (which makes no sense considering how verbose I can be at times) chrysophobe.

Hosting a Christmas Party

We are well into the holiday season now when we are being bombarded with parties, left and right. Why be a passive attender of these festivities when you can throw one yourself? As an amateur Martha Stewart, let me be the first to give you some FREE advice on how to throw the perfect Christmas party!

1) Naming the party - you must call it a HOLIDAY party, lest we offend someone celebrating Kwanzaa. Either that, or you can call it something akin to "The Smiths' 5th Annual Kwanukkamasdan (that's Kwanzaa, Hannukah, Christmas, and Ramadan, in case you were wondering) Party!" I think that would cover all the bases....except maybe the Trekkies.

2) Candles - Never use normal lightbulbs for a party. You want the lighting to be as dim as possible so that even a she-male can look fairly decent under the warm glow of candlelight.

3) Eggnog - Be sure to pour plenty of brandy into it. Nothing is better than a liquored group of revelers.

4) Christmas music - Make sure you have a lovely selection of old classics like "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". Better yet, get some Kenny G. That will be a real crowd pleaser. Really.

5) Lights - Some people may opt for the "tasteful" look of little white lights along the outer trim of their home. Who wants to decorate their house with something that small? Go BIG! This is America and we are all about supersizing! Get the biggest lights that you can buy and make sure you cover every inch of your house with these HUGE, multi-colored lights. Go ahead...make a statement!

6) Entertainment - People should not be allowed to mingle and mix at will. This is a holiday party! Make everyone participate in cheesy games so that they can "get to know one another"!

7) Christmas carols - Make copies of all the Christmas carols and hand them out to all your guests. Make everyone gather around the piano and sing songs like "Jingle Bells" and "O Little Town of Bethlehem". [No joke: I was at dinner last night at an upscale restaurant where we noticed a huge group of people singing Xmas carols. They had a semi-private room and all were given sheets of music. This group decided to stand around their table and sing carols! "Waitress! I'll drink whatever they're drinking!"]

8) Christmas-themed sweaters - Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you wear the "darling" sweater with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on it? Well, apparently, some people never grew out of that phase. Insist that everyone wear a sweater with some sort of Xmas/holiday icon sewn on it.

9) Food - you can NEVER have too many Xmas tree shaped sugar cookies with green sprinkles on it.

10) White elephant gift exchange - I think that we should always spend money on things we don't want, to gift to people we normally wouldn't gift to. That way, I can use up all my storage to hold all the useless gifts that I can recycle, year after year. I'm thinking that after several white elephant gift exchanges, I may eventually end up with the original gift that I bought. Wouldn't that be interesting??

I hope this has been an informative session and now you too, can throw a fabulous Christmas party! A party to be remembered for years to come.....