The great game of golf

Michelle Wie had a frustrating day yesterday at the Waialae Country Club in beautiful Hawaii. Of course, whenever I'm on the golf course, it's a frustrating day...EVERY time I play golf. It was a beautiful day yesterday - about 72 degrees with a slight offshore breeze. Okay, honestly, I don't really know what an offshore wind is, but it sounded good, didn't it? :)
We went to The Lakes in El Segundo, an executive course that I must say is rather nice and convenient. There was an older 4-some in front of us. An elderly couple and two older dudes. Now, I don't have anything against the blue-haired folks who make up a disproportionate part of the population...but, they are SLOW. Very slow.
Is it just me or are a lot of golf terms really sexual in nature? For example, "put into the hole." "Give it a good stroke." "I'm going to use my wood to sink the ball into that hole." "Would you like to join our 3-some? We could use a 4th." "Why don't you choke down on that wood a bit more?" Have you ever thought about this or is it just me?
Well, here are some golf pointers for you amateurs out there:
1) When someone is teeing off before you, start making as much noise as possible. Make bird calls. Hoot and holler. The person teeing off will really appreciate you for all your noise making efforts.
2) Now, when you come up to a hole, you are probably wondering "Which club do I use?" Here is a simple plan for you. Anything 100 yards or less, you want to use the driver which may also be marked by a "1". Think 100 = 1. Pretty simple, right? Anything 250 yards or more, you want to use the pitching wedge, which you can pick out by the "P" on it. Basically, the higher the yards are in that hole, use a higher number iron.
3) When the beer bitch comes around with her cart full of alcoholic beverages, be sure to give her a nice slap on the ass. She will find that really appealing and may even give you her number! Don't bother giving her a cash tip.
4) Establish a policy that if you hit a person on the head who is in a group ahead of you, you automatically get 10 points taken off your final score. If you hit someone who is 2 groups in front, you get 20 points taken off your final score.
5) When your ball falls into the lake, dive into the water, a la Happy Gilmore. Those Titleist balls were not free.
6) Before each new hole, have each person in your 4-some do a tequila shot.
7) If you have a golf cart, make sure that you drive it off course. They don't have those big wheels for nothing! Go off-roading! Get on the fairway. Get on the green. Make sure your cart is fully stocked with alcohol though - that's why they have those beer holders. Some people may call them beverage holders, but we all know its real purpose.

Well, that's about all the golf tips I have for you folks. Hope it was helpful and if you need expert advice on anything, you know that Bruingirl knows all. Peace out.